I’m mad at ME. I’ve been obsessing over this for almost 24 hours. Here is the question. Have you ever said something that you totally didn’t mean to say? It just popped out? This happens to me. More often that I care to admit. It happened yesterday.
Here is my story. I was at my sewing class. I just love this class. If you know me, then you KNOW that I love to sew. And, my favorite thing to make is garments. I found a wonderful class that is all about this subject and I’m so happy. When I enter the room and I’m surrounded by all things sewing, and I greet other sewing enthusiasts, I think “I’ve found my tribe!”. Ah. I look forward to it each week and I frankly never want to stop going. The teacher is amazing. She just knows so much. I have already learned so many things that will take my skills to the next level. I respect her and I want to have a good relationship. And, this is the person that I said the wrong thing to. I knew the very second that the word escaped my lips that it was a mistake. Where did that come from? It’s not a word I would ever use toward any person. Truly. And, then, in a split second, I said it. We were talking about Project Runway and she said that she knew someone who was on the show. I asked if she had watched it. I mean doesn’t EVERYONE watch Project Runway? She said no. And, I said….. wait for it… I said “That’s stupid”. I don’t know what I wanted to say. Silly maybe? I just don’t know. But, what I do know is that I hate the word stupid. It’s just a thing. And, the moment I said it, I wanted to say “wait, I didn’t mean to say that”, but guess what. I didn’t. The rest of the class, I wanted to say something to her. But, I didn’t. And, now, it’s just, well, out there. It’s me. It’s what “I” said. She doesn’t know me. Not really. And, now, what she knows about me is that I call people “Stupid” for no real reason at all, that I called her stupid. Ugh.
So, I’m mad at me right now. I’m mad that I said something I didn’t mean to. I’m mad that I didn’t correct it when I had the chance. And, I’m mad that I can’t let it go. I thought about emailing her an apology, but I don’t have her email, phone number…nothing. So, I have a whole week. And, by then it’s just done. It’s over. Should I still say something? Still apologize?
In this world of political correctness, I’m really NOT for limiting other people’s speech. I think it’s gone way too far. But, I am for limiting MY speech. I get to decide who I am and what I say. Don’t I? Then why do words pop out of my mouth that I did NOT approve? Why?
So. Has this ever happened to you? They used to say that it was to “put your foot in your mouth”. What the heck does that mean anyway? But, it’s what I did, and I really want this regret to just disappear.
Should we all be so careful with our words that we have no real way to express ourselves? Sometimes I feel like I should just not talk. It would be so much easier. I am in a habit of saying things I don’t mean to. If it was a talent to say things with no plan, no thought, no intention, I would be so good at it.
What I want to say to you, to the universe, is…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Oops.
A week has passed. I went back to class. It wasn’t awkward. I must have thought of a hundred ways to bring this up and say something to “fix” it. And, here I was, acting like nothing happened.
I came to a realization. If I were to bring this up, it would be about me. There is only one reason to say anything…to clear my name, to defend myself. But, who am I defending myself from? It’s just me. I’m the only person who is making me feel bad about this.
So, I decided to let it go. I’m putting it behind me with all the other gaffes (and there are many). I’m not perfect.
The moral of this tale is, I AM going to say something I wish I hadn’t, and next time, I’m going to take a breath and say something. Right away!!
Ok. Now. Tell me. Have you ever said something silly that surprised you as it left your lips? What did you do?